A few unusual job opportunities

Somehow I'm hearing the first scene from Figaro in this first one. Perhaps this is a new opera?

Looking for a "bitch" assistant to help me around the house

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and carry out my orders. Artist, activist, busy person needs a hand to promote my works, ideas and just generally obey and carry out orders.
Males only.

Very Different situation wanted indeed...

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Hello, How are you? I am looking for a sophisticated Older White Lady (29-60)who is interested in taking FULL advantage over me with Financial Humiliation.There are many terms used to describe it>>Money Slave, Money Servant, Money Pig, Financial Domination, Financial Humiliation, Etc... It basically works like this. I want to be a money Slave to you, and you enjoy taking the Money from the Slave who knows that he is very Lucky to even be considered for this treatment. I will let you in on a lot of personal info on me.You can exploit me, extort, Black Mail me, etc... You will recieve Guaranteed once a week financial payments from me either in person, via PayPal, Money Orders, etc.. I am able to do between $350.00- $700.00 a week if this works out. I am a really nice Guy who is into feeling humiliated by a self assured pretty Lady. Please be Intelligent,Pretty ,Classy, Strict, and self deserving. Please have some knowledge in gentle humiliation, and have a semi-cold heart. There really is nothing else to it. You can read , or research about this on the internet. The lists are endless. A lot of Guys want to give their Money away to you so they can experience what its like to take direction, and to empty their wallets so they feel useful to you. Strange, but true. Please inquire with in. Thanks KL

GET PAID TO WATCH SPORTS ON TV!! (Gramercy)

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--- Research is looking for bright and energetic writers, with an interest in and knowledge of sports, to view primetime network and cable TV shows and write online surveys that will measure the effectiveness of any product placements that occurred during these programs.

Because --- measures evening programs, the hours can be late (often until midnight or later) so it is great for someone who wants their days free, but hard for anyone with a demanding morning schedule. The good news is that schedules are flexible and only require three shifts per week.

Help determine the future of TV advertising.
Be a self-starter.
Work in a fun, fast-paced environment.


Compensation: $16/hr

Somebody has a brilliant idea in Murray Hill (Bensonhurst)

Something I happened upon over on craigslist...

Donate to me (Murray Hill)

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I want a million dollars. I think this is what I really need to actually start a life here in Manhattan. Please let me know if you are willing to give.
I don't want to haggle or trade - there are just so many people here with more money than they could ever need, I was hoping one might read this and share their good fortune.

This is happening later this month

I would love to be there. I will most likely be in the bosom of my family, or out in the wilds of The Burren, crawling into hazel forests and singing ballads in county Clare pubs.

These are not bad problems to have.

Sunday Oct 21. 9:00 AM - 2:00 PM Can you prove you are human?

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Reply to: gigs-439967075@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-04, 1:41PM EDT


Can you convince a judge that you are a human?
* Four participants are required to participate in the Loebner Prize computer contest. (google "Turing Test")
* You will be seated in front of a computer terminal in one room.
* Judges in another room will type in questions to you and a computer.
* The computer will respond, trying to fool the judge into thinking it is a human. You will be typing in responses trying to convince the judge that _you_ are really the human.
* Requirements:
1. You must be able to type.
2. You must attempt to convince the judge that you are a person.
3. You must sign a release allowing your image and your responses to be posted world wide on the internet
(your name/address will not be published without your permission.)

Lunch will be provided.

This is an internationally famous competition.

• Location: Upper West Side
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: $100 for 3 sessions of 30 minutest

Craigslist round up

Without wanting to disappear up my own arse about this topic, it is always tremendously reassuring to touch base with some of the other hacks for hire on craigslist, and to discover that they're selling themselves for $25 an hour and they haven't proofread their own ads properly. That's about a fair rate for that service.

And then you read through somebody's samples and they've got a portfolio of quite well written web copy and then you spot some glaring proofreading oversight. Jesus. Do these people not read the work they do forty five times before releasing it?

And then you have a look around at what's happening over in general community: A posting from a woman who's 25, feels she might be bipolar, and has no health insurance. What do you do when you're mentally ill and uninsured in America? Cry for help on craigslist, of course! Or buy a lottery ticket. Call yourself a high class companion and sell your body for $5000 a night to 'select discreet gentlemen' over in Casual Encounters.

Calling all black girls! There's a very discreet, sweet, dawn-to-earth (yes that's right ladies, dawn to earth) gentleman looking for a dinner-for-sex arrangement in the strictly platonic section. And if you strike it lucky, you'll get to do it again and again and again.

I wonder if Alanis Morissette knows that one of her lyrics has entered internet dating as a term for casual sex? I'm sure she'd be delighted. Lots of people seem to be looking for friends-with-benefits, or in the craiglist-nuanced usage, alive-human-to-fuck-tonight.

And then there's the whole genre of people who go into the toilet to take their dating profile picture. Clearly it's because there's a big mirror in there so they can check themselves out as they suck in and go click.

But the toilets and towels in the background and generally claustrophobic vibe, combined with the camera held out arm's length mid-picture really lets you know everything you could have hoped to ask them. And the poses. Ah the poses. Poses that suggest hidden, off- camera pep talks with acquaintances poised on the edge of the bath, rolling skunk spliffs: "What disemboweled body? Not in MY bathroom!" or "Hit me up again Mario, I feel like I'm gonna die, I KNOW one more hit will get me onto the next level", or "I'm gonna get REAL paid for this rack and all I have to do is arch and pout, arch and pout". It's not a pretty thing, the craigslist personals section. Not to mention the

"very successful plastic surgeon seeking a mutually beneficial relationship with a very special, very attractive and very, very sexy young woman" types,

and people interested in paying $1500 a month for GFE (girl-friend-experience, for hire, which seems to be simulated girlfriendness, without the commitment or reality).

This is the seamy side of the city, folks. They took down Times Square and built Craigslist. And how it rocks, oh how it rocks.

But my jaw really did drop open at the sight of this one

Writing Internship or Build Your Portfolio with Fear Driven Stories

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Can you come up with fear driven stories worthy of a newspaper? Your story will be read by 20,000 people a day or more.

A High Tech NYC company seeks budding writer to assist in creating a multitude of stories relating to cheating, law enforcement, child endangerment, criminal activity and more.

If you would like to offer your talents to build up your portfolio and credit, then we would love to have you be a part of our team. This is a non-paid internship. You can come here for school credits or just for fun. Once you are finished with your stay here, we will be more than happy to offer phenomenal recommendations wherever you may go.

On a side note, we have tons of really cool high tech gadgets to play with every day, many you can take home. The skys the limit to showcase all your writing talents. We won’t hold you back.

Reply to this email and we will get back to you right away.

As if the ecosystem that is craigslist knew I was writing about its writers gigs section...

... it just posted this.

Dunkin Donuts for Creative Writing!

I have $200 worth of Gift Certificates for Dunkin Donuts in exchange for some creative writing. They have over 18 different types of coffees, lattes, as well as their donuts and breakfast sandwiches which make perfect writing companions!

Basically, I'm an artist/game designer who needs some characters and storylines fleshed out. I have the basic skeletal outlines but need someone to fill em in.

E-mail me for more details!

An "Everything but the Two Twisted" kind of posting

... that's a Ben and Jerry's flavour, folks in Europe! And my local Met store sells them for $2.50 a pop! And it's a bit of a pun, also. The themes will dovetail nicely, as you read on. Just like a tub of the good stuff.

Well I can't believe I've been blogging for a few weeks with almost no mention of craigslist. Let the silence be broken here, and now.

I advertise my writing and editing services on craigslist (hereafter known as cl). It's a pretty wide-ranging clientele, which keeps things interesting, and work does come in. There are of course many people on cl who are looking for people to write business proposals or do line-editing as some sort of charitable donation to the city of new york, but they don't get it from me.

I rarely look at other writers' ads, but I just spotted a guy who has advertised himself as

***THE VERY BEST EDITOR ON CRAIGSLIST IS HERE*** (Midtown)

which was welcome light relief. I always get a chuckle from the frustrations of those who use keyboard shouting to get heard on cl.

They punctuate V&RY L@*DLY ***** LIKE TH#S====++ AND CAPITALISE ALL THEIR SENTENCES, IN BOLD.

But the best bit is the (Midtown) bit. That's just a straightahead lie, to sound impressive and busy and scatter some shitkicking ballbreaking manhattan fairy dust over the proceedings. This guy is clearly living in Yonkers.

Oh sometimes you just need a hug from a whippet. And then you get one from a whippet who is skilled and talented in this area, and you know it's all going to be fine. This whippet's ear skin is so thin, the sun shines through it. Her fur is very fine, too, like a threadbare rug, and her skin is pink with black spots underneath. And she likes hiding under the duvet, where it's warm and nice.

I was doing my customary Haagen Dazs fridge groove last night, where I stand before the impressive supermarket cabinet, filled floor to ceiling only with Haagen Dazs, and I'm focussing, making mental judgments:
Sorbet, no.
Low fat, no.
Strawberry, no.
English toffee, mm..
Triple chocolate, uh, triple chocolate.. oh... Just what kind of triple chocolate IS it, anyway?

And a kindly elderly black hep-cat reached over me and opened the cabinet door, taking out a bucket of rum-raisin manfully, without deliberation. He turned to me and said, in his hep-cat harlem accent, "I've got it too, sugar. Don't feel bad!" And I reached in and pulled out that tub of triple chocolate without further ado, and marched to the counter.

The pipes, the pipes are calling

I've just scored a craigslist hook-up trade-off:

One ticket for tonight's penultimate performance of Joe's Pub's Shakespeare In The Park production of A Midsummer Night's Dream, in exchange for singing Danny Boy down the ticket-offerer's iPhone.

Hurrah!